Sunday, April 24, 2011

unintentional sabotage?

do you think it's possible to unintentionally sabotage something? to subconsciously wreck it even before things get started? or is it an active, cognizant choice?

I'm guessing it happens much more frequently than people are willing to admit, and I wonder why. not about the admitting it, but about the submarining. a few years ago I went through a simplified process - attempt if you will - of recognizing and minimizing or eliminating fears in my life. as a rational thinking person, it seems so easy, and so frivolous, to be afraid of just about anything. but since humans aren't computers, well, I guess there's the answer.

I have started jobs with new companies that I knew, in a terribly short period of time, that I had made a mistake and was not going to be with that company for the long term. I put so much effort into landing the offer, and then boom. wrong move. did I miss warning signs? did I sabotage my own clear thinking and accept a job I shouldn't have?

several lifetimes ago I dated a really terrific guy and ultimately tubed that one, too. at the time I was all up in arms and convinced he was simply the wrong guy for me and that I dodged a huge blunder by not marrying him. fast forward - with a fairly significant amount of self-learning and awareness thrown in - and I realize I screwed it up. I didn't know myself all that well at my then-young age, but I knew I didn't want to get hurt, so I think I became difficult, which made him react, so when we split, I was sure it was for the best because who in their right mind would want to be with a guy like that? smooth move, sherlock.

now that I'm almost 40, have never been married, have taken jobs I shouldn't have, have dated (and not dated) guys I should and shouldn't have, have and don't have friends I should and shouldn't have, and countless other examples, I accept the common denominator. me.

(every family has its quirks, and mine is certainly no different. working through (?) family issues the last few years has expedited my journey toward self-realization. that process opened my eyes wider about the common denominator thing.)

while I may not articulate my reasoning to others, I know full well why I chose/act/react what and how I do. so it should be easy(er) to do the right thing, make the right choice, right? except it's that rational thing again.

I recently met a man who is funny, smart, charming, polite, ambitious, handsome, generous, kind... and yet I've already begun the nitpicking in my own mind (about TRULY insignificant things) and I wonder if I'm beginning the same pattern anew. I haven't been in a relationship in a few years, and most of them have been unconventional to say the least, so I know I'm out of practice but can a person really be that out of practice? what am I so afraid of that I can't even give him a chance? was all my self-investigative work for naught?

I'm hopeful that being aware I'm doing it will help me stop. I intend to not sabotage, which makes me wonder about just how deep that tendency is buried in people, and if it's intentional or unintentional.

kind of like the dogs tracking in dirt and mud mere seconds after they watch me vacuum. love those girls!

night, all. be good to yourself.


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